I’m BACK!

Alright, I’m back on the wagon, FINALLY.  It is seriously time to get seriously serious, for serious.  This wedding is coming up quickly,  JUST over 2 months away.  My bridesmaids dress is suppose to come in on Friday, and I just had a horribly delicious nearly heart attack inducing weekend of eating.  Have you ever wondered what a heart attack on a plate looks like? Wonder no more my friends, I can show you.

Please note the, fried zucchini, onion rings, mozzarella sticks, and cheesy potato skins. Can we say OMNOMNOMNOM? Yes, I think we can, and I DID.  Oh, and also, in the picture, 1 of the 2 beers I consumed during my friend feast.  The first beer I’d drank in months, and boy was it everything I hoped and dreamed it would be.

I followed up this wonderful lunch of fried paradise by consuming a side of french fries and some ice cream for dinner.  (Hours later mind you, I couldn’t finish my fried plate of awesome, and felt so completely bloated and disgusting)

This weekend made me realize a couple things.  First off, I have absolutely no idea how I managed to survive so long eating all the crap that I at one point consumed on a daily basis, at least once a day.  Really, like, how am I even alive?  I should have had a heart attack ages ago.  It’s gross. It surely bob tastes fantastic going down, but the feeling of disgust and general bloated grossness is,  gross. 

Which brings me to the second thing.  I have never been so intune with my body in my life. Eating something bad, being able to feel the after effects, even a few days later,  the physical and the mental.  It is actually quite shocking, and totally eye opening. 

As much as I one day hope to be able to go back to eating all the foods I love, in extreme moderation, I have absolutely zero desire to go back to the eating habits I had before I started on this journey.  It has totally become more than just a diet, I know now I’m changing myself for life, inside AND out. 

One other thing that I realized recently, that totally makes sense, and I can’t believe I didn’t figure out before. The light bulb FINALLY came on, and then I felt like an idiot for not seeing the switch right in front of my face.   When I am working out, and eating well, and am more confident with myself, I am extremely less insecure, with myself and in other relationships. (For example, the man in my life.) But when I’m not working out, and I’m lacking those wonderful endorphins, I become the most insecure person in the world. I second guess everything, get completely depressed and negative towards every aspect of my life.  It doesn’t just affect me, but everyone else that I interact with on a daily basis, and I HATE IT.  I hate feeling this  way, and I hate feeling like I have no control over it.  And that is the thing, I totally DO have control over it. It’s just not in the way I would expect.  It’s definitely difficult once in a certain frame of mind, to be like,  “Ok, shut up stupid, you’re dumb, stop acting this way, be HAPPY. YOU KNOW YOU CAN”  (I suppose calling myself dumb and stupid in my mind are also probably part of a related issue) While I imagine this may work for some, for me, I’m stubborn, my emotions are stubborn, everything, stubborn.  BUT, I can avoid a LOT of that, by just doing what I’m doing (Or WAS doing).  

To be quite honest I just made myself a little sick with all that optomism.  Feel free to smack me or something.

And on that note, I’m BACK. Yesterday I was back at the mercy of Miss Jillian I want you to feel like you’re going to DIE Michaels.  I seriously thought I was going to die,  my arms were going to fall off, and then I was going to fall face first onto the floor.  And this was at Level 1.

Level 1 Day 1 5lb weights:  I really wasn’t sure I was going to make it the whole time. Seriously, I didn’t know if I was going to make it through the first circuit.   But I’m glad I did, as always.  My arms feel like jello still, and my legs are already feeling the soreness.  But it hurts sooo good, right?

Day 2 today, we’ll see if I survive.

What am I doing?

I’m feeling kind of lost right now, but I know that I’m not. I fell off the wagon quite a while ago, I can still see it, but I stopped walking behind it, now I’m just sitting here. Waiting for the next one to come by? I don’t know. I lost some motivation. I lost something. I’ve been doing with a lot of stress and basically had to put my life on hold for a short period, waiting to find out what was going to happen next. Drama with work, drama with friends.  Some of that drama even carried over to this upcoming wedding. Oh fun.  It actually involves one of the other bridesmaids. Someone I at one time considered to be a very, very, dear friend.  It’s amazing just when you think you really know someone, they show their true colors. Sad.  It’s made me realize I put far too much faith in people, when really, at the end of the day, the only one I should be putting faith into is myself.  Right now I feel like I have faith in no one.  She’s dissapointed me, I’ve dissapointed me, who’s next? 

All is not lost though, things will look up again. They always do right?  Regardless of everything else, it’s nearly summertime and I’m looking forward to having a good summer and spending my last few months in the City.  I’ve got so much to look forward to in the next year that I can’t let people get the best of me.   Atleast through everything, my eyes have been opened.  I’m excited to find out what I will see now.

Now, I have a few confessions:

#1 I had “chicken” pad thai for dinner the other night… with a side of fried pot stickers. Oops.

#2 Yesterday, I had some trailmix… with m&ms. Doh.

But you know what? I’m not going to be upset at myself. I mean, aside from the fact that I can’t remember the last time I worked out.  I’ve still stuck to the important part (for the most part) and hey, I haven’t gotten any fatter!  That’s worht something right?!

Yeah, I suck.

So my apartment is about 100 degrees minimum right now.  I feel like I’m getting the flu… and I’m TIRED.  Mmm excuses. I suck.  Do you know what doesn’t suck? This:

Pizza anyone?! Looks delicious doesn’t it? Atleast *I* think it does, and really, thats all that matters.  But this isn’t any old pizza.  This pizza was made with this crust. Zucchini crust! It is so much better than I expected!  I think I’m in love!

I have a confession to make…

I knew this would happen, I totally saw it coming, why did I let it happen? Well, I suck. What I’m trying to say is, I fell off the Jillian bandwagon. It happens right? I can over come this, yes? I mean, I didn’t fall off and hit my head and knock myself unconscious… I’m still jogging behind trying to hop back on. I’ve gone back to level 2 and done a few days in a row, so that was good, and I mean, it’s not like like I went and ate a whole pizza and some ice cream right? Oh wait… but that only happened ONCE. Aside from THAT I’ve been very, very good. So good I’m making myself and everyone around me sick. Haha. The good news out of all this, I haven’t gained any weight back. Hooray. Maybe I can win this battle after all? I’m currently down 20lbs from when I started and definitely do not want to go back to the other side of that 200 mark. If it’s the last thing I do.

I have another confession to make, this one is a bit more obvious than the others. I’m addicted to food. Yes, gasp, shock, earth shattering, I know. You don’t get to the point I was at and not be addicted to food. But my addiction has gone from eating it, to just looking at it, watching it being made, reading about it and trying new things. Theres not a day that goes by that I don’t watch atleast an hour of the foodnetwork. It’s actually one of my favorite things to do while working out. How warped is that? I still read all my baking blogs, drooling over the cupcakes and other things I can’t eat. I totally have a problem. On a bit more positive note though, I’ve also started taking pictures of like, everything, I eat. Weird? Sorta.

In the last month I’ve mastered the art of an omelette, tried kale salad, and discovered a delicious new way to eat sweet potatoes. omnomnom.  Check it out!

Me – 1 Bridesmaid Dress – 0

Before I give an update on how things are going for me, I have a little rant. You would think, the bridal industry would size in a way that would NOT make people feel like a humongous cow. I don’t know if its David’s bridal or every bridal gown manufacturer but, why do they make their sizes run SMALL? I mean, shopping for a bridal gown is already stressful enough, and with the fabrics, colors and styles, it’s already hard enough to find something flattering for everyone’s figure. So on top of all that, suddenly, you’re larger than you were prior to putting this dress on. Is there something in the air? Ridiculous, and depressing. But maybe it’s just me? Maybe I was just fatter than I thought? Haha.

How did the above rant come about? Well…. I’ve been the same size for… quite awhile. I’ve purchased a lot of clothes in said size. So a few weeks ago I go out shopping with our bridal party in an attempt to find dresses for everyone. I grab a bunch of dresses in my size and head back to the dressing room, only to find out, they don’t fit. What? I’m fairly certain I haven’t gained any weight recently. In fact, If anything I’ve LOST weight. So what the f. Seriously. It was depressing. Almost as depressing as going to the previous bridal shop that didn’t even carry a dress in my size. It’s especially humiliating having to try and squeeze into a dress that is half hour size. How in the world do you figure out if it’s going to be something you will like in the correct size? Oh wait, you don’t.

The moral of this story is, bridal dress shopping, SUCKS.

So on Sunday I went back to David’s Bridal to order my dress for the wedding, and before I place my order, I want to try on the dress one more time, you know, to make sure I’m getting the right size. Well guess what! All my hard work has been paying off. I fit in the smaller dress! The size that should have fit me to begin with! Yes, it’s true, and man did it feel good. Talk about some great motivation to keep going. I can only hope that by the time the dress comes in I will need to get it altered. Yes, I am hoping to have to alter my dress. I have high hopes.

In other news, I’m still working my way through the 30 day shred. Good lord does it kick your ass. Those plank exercises are KILLER. I love it! I’m getting better at it and don’t feel COMPLETELY like death at the end… only a little bit. I’m halfway through level 2, I’ve been considering extending level 2 for a bit longer, but I suppose we’ll see how things go when I hit level 3.

And on that note, it’s time for some Jillian torture. Hooray!

Doctor’s orders.

I went to the Dr. yesterday for a checkup.  It was the first time I’d seen my Dr.  since she had told me about PCOS and to be honest, with all the changes I had made in the past month, I was actually excited to see her! 

Firstly, my weight aside, when I went into see her my face was broken out, SO bad. The past few years I’ve had some trouble with acne, but this day it was just,  INSANE.  She had freaked out and before I even mentioned it was talking about what we could do to fix it. Great!  So she had stuck me on the antibiotic Doxycycline, and seriously, within the first week, my face had cleared up immensely.  So when she walked into the room I was in yesterday and turned to look at me, her jaw dropped, “Wow! Wow! Oh my gosh!” It made me blush, but it also felt GOOD.  Between problems with my weight, and my skin, it had taken a big toll on my already low self esteem, so a reaction like that, was definitely nice to hear.  She kept saying she wished she had a before picture, I’m not sure I agree with that, but I can understand why she would say that.  Before my skin looked EMBARRASSING.   I never knew when I would be having a good skin day, or when I should plan to stay in home and hide from the world.  But for the past month, every day has been a good skin day.

During my visit we also had to go over test results, and I was informed, not only do I have high cholesterol, and extremely low levels of Vitamin D, but I am also “pre diabetic”.  Eek!  Hearing something like that is kind of scary, but not as scary as hearing “You have diabetes,”  at least with the “pre” there is still time to fix whatever is going wrong in my body. And while kind of unsettling, this diagnosis wasn’t exactly completely unexpected, my mother has diabetes, my grandmother had diabetes, various other people in my family have it (type 2 that is).  So whatever, I’m facing the facts now, and my genes, and it’s time to take control of it.  My doctor’s solution? No more carbs. No more bread, no more pasta, no more rice, no more cereal, no more delicious potatoey goodness, no more corn. No more carbalicious foods, that I love, oh so much. Lets just say, yesterday was a very sad day, I will be mourning the loss of my good friends carbohydrates for a very long time.  But it is going to be ok! I am thinking positive, I’m getting creative! I’m going to fucking win this battle if it’s the last thing I do! I know it’s going to be tough sometimes, but I NEED to stay strong.  Cutting out these delicious carbs is going to be for the best, lowering my blood sugar levels, aiding in lowering my cholesterol levels, and hell, it’s sure to do a number on my ass!

Speaking of. Doctor’s office SHOCK #2! After much discussion over my diet, or lack there of, I mentioned to my Dr that I thought I might have lost some weight! “Awesome! Let’s weigh you!”  I had never been so eager to get on a scale before in my life.  As I stand there staring at the number infront of me, hopping around, trying not to fidget “Stop moving!!” it finally comes to rest on 207.  In my head I’m already trying to calculate what I was previously and the difference.  I had lost 9lbs!  My doctor went to check her records and upon seeing my previous weight, slowly turned to me, mouth nearly hitting the floor. “What? You told me I needed to exercise!”  I felt so proud, and I still do. I can’t help it, but to know you’ve done good and be proud of yourself… and to see someone ELSE almost as proud of you, it feels really good, and I will be working off this high for awhile to come. 

At the end of the visit she gave me a goal, I need to shock her again. I need to fix the problems in my blood work, and I need to show her I’m as serious about dropping this weight as I know I am inside.  Actions speak louder than words, and it’s time to put it all into action.

Shredded?

So, on my quest for health and fitness… and not being the bridesmaid that most closely resembles Shamoo, I picked up Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred!  I’m going to get Shredded!  Initially, before viewing any parts of this video, I thought, “You’ve got to be kidding me! 30 days?! THATS IT? LIES!” But dude, seriously… Jillian totally kicks your ass.  I’m only on day 7 of 10, and I swear, i thought it would get easier? Not really.  I’ve never sweated so much for just 20 minutes of exercise, on a VIDEO, in my HOUSE.   This video is no joke, and to be honest, I’m a bit scared of what she has instore for me the next 23 days.  Lets just put it this way, I’ve never had any kind of upper arm strength. Ever.  After a week? I can do pushups! A bunch of them!  Though they may be my least favorite exercise, it is definitely very satisfying seeing such progress so quickly.

Hello internet, nice to meet you.

I’m really unsure of how to start this, and it’s making me a little anxious, I’ve never been good with words.  So, I’m just going to lay it all out here.  I’m not a blogger, I’ve never been a blogger (ok that is kind of a lie, I’ve TRIED, but it just never worked out for me) I have the attention span of a fruit fly and I am horrible at taking the thoughts in my head and turning them into coherent sentences that other people will understand.  

But, all that said, I need help.   You see, I’m fat, I’ve always been fat, and until recently felt like I always would be.  Sure, I’ve tried to “diet” I’ve got a gym membership that I use every couple of months for a day or two, and I truly do try to watch what I eat (I’m a vegetarian after all… though currently trying to move away from being the CARBtarian I’ve become) but until recently, I’ve never taken it as seriously as I should.   What made me “wake up and smell the coffee” all of a sudden? Well, let me tell you!

Reason #1:  I was recently diagnosed with PCOS. That is a neat little acronym for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, for all of you out of the ovary loop.   I was told by my doctor, I have to lose weight, if I ever want kids that is. If I ever want to feel like a normal functioning human being.  This hit me pretty hard, because for the longest time, I’ve felt something was wrong with me, things weren’t working right, weird things were happening to me, I felt like a leper, to be honest.  Knowing what was causing it, was definitely a relief, and it definitely set a serious plan into action.  Now, I don’t want to have kids tomorrow, or anytime in the near future, but knowing what needs to be done before that can even happen?  There is no better time to get the ball rolling, and who am I kidding,  I want to be healthy, and more active, and for fucks sake, I want to be hot damnit.

Reason #2: A few months ago, my very good friend proudly announced, SHE IS GETTING MARRIED! Yay! I’m so happy for her and her fiance, they are the cutest couple ever, and I’ve totally been living vicariously through them, wedding planning and all.  There is only one problem though, and I call it a problem, in the best way possible.  She has asked me out of the kindess of her heart and the love of our friendship, to be a bridesmaid.   I am absolutel honored! I’ve never been a bridesmaid before, most of my friends, though not single, aren’t married, so I haven’t had the oppritunity to grace the aisles  in any horrendous (harsh, I know, but who are you kidding? everyone knows those dresses can be awful) bridesmaid dresses yet. 

Now here is my problem, this is the reason reason #2 exists… like I mentioned before, I’m fat, always have been.  The bride? If she turned sideways she would dissapear.  The other two bridesmaids? About the size of my thigh.   I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE FAT BRIDESMAID!!! (Hello blog title!)

So here I am, this is the beginning (atleast as far as this blog is concerned.) I am on a mission, a serious mission.  I need all the help I can get.